The Closing of a Series and Beginning of a New One
Or Something Like That

Thursday, September 2, 2021

I keep feeling like I should shove down my dreams, like I have so often, since I was a child even.

Interests.

Hopes.

It would be easy to do, it’s familiar. Like my time is over, it’s a waste, it doesn’t make sense, it’s too late, there’s no point.

It’s too hard. There are too many pieces.

But I can think of so many times where I did something I didn’t think I could do, figured out something I didn’t think I could, did something really hard.

I didn’t always do it.

I mean, I have a ton of college credit, and only one degree, so I didn’t do that.

But when you have to nail down that, “I want to be” question, and it’s supposed to end with some general career choice, well, that never set right with me, that one I just couldn’t do.

But with a lot of things, I did it. And here I am.

Something has changed in me again. It’s always hard to pinpoint when, as I back up I can mark so many places something was changing. I have been through a lot, a lot of things have changed me deeply.

I first saw a psychiatrist when I was 21. One of the first questions he asked me was, “What is your goal for treatment?”

“To not need treatment,” I answered.

He chuckled and I guess he knew what kind of patient he was accepting, then.

I have been unmedicated since three weeks before Marion was born.

I haven’t seen a psychiatrist since she was three months old. It wasn’t really by choice, but that’s just how it was.

Bipolar changes are a bit easier for me to pinpoint and nail down. It started in October of last year, but only for about a week.

Then in December, it was a slingshot. It shifted, and I knew it the moment it happened. I literally woke from sleep and could feel it.

I have been a different person since then. “More normal” is how I would put it. I haven’t had a truly depressing cycle since before October. I have, perhaps, had more mania/hypomania, but nothing beyond my control. I’m still working on the difference between simply ME and my mania, it’s a fine line a lot of times.

I kept waiting on the spring depression to come.

It didn’t.

The summer depression.

It didn’t.

As we head into fall, I’m feeling like an even more joyful and normal version of myself.

I’ve worked through some trauma (I can listen to country music now, I just don’t prefer most of it).

I’m feeling more worthy of life in general.

I feel important.

Which brings me to: why the heck would I shove down my dreams?

I feel more like jumping in with both feet.

I’m working harder for what I want, and enjoying that.

And I’m also remembering what my psychiatrist said when I answered his question, “That’s ambitious. It’s also not reasonable.”

He was totally, 100% correct, by the way. It wasn’t reasonable.

But that’s not my point.

In the past six to seven years I have constantly felt like I could be living such a better life if I was able to get back on track with my medications. If I was able to see a psychiatrist again. I thought life would be so much easier for me, because most of the time I am struggling through every moment of every day. I wonder if Marion would have a better life. If Ryan would. If Everest would. I guilt myself into thinking I’m ruining their lives, and they deserve someone more normal.

It’s false.

I have felt like a little more of that “normal” person lately. Which is a big improvement over the medicated me.

(But let’s be honest, I’m far from normal and I always will be.)

I see more of the “me in my head” in my actions.

I smile even more (and I improved on that four years ago, and recently noticed the change in my photos).

My expressions aren’t so suppressed.

It’s truly lovely.

So…

It’s been super, super hard, but after 12 years, here I am. I can check that goal off the list.

(I’ll also mention here that this goal requires continual maintenance, so it’s not a done deal.)

It was ambitious.

It wasn’t reasonable.

And now I ask myself again if I should shove aside my dreams and interests, and hopes in life.

Not a shred of me will say yes.

A resounding NO.

Sometimes it’s good to say no.

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