For this, I can see how it started in the last half of 2019, but it kind of snapped in me in March 2020 on our Colorado vacation, which I have little photos of due to an unfortunate situation with iCloud not working and a white screen loop. I’m not over that (I had the most adorable photo of Marion on my back at Westminster Hills with the mountains in the background, running videos with Everest, photos with all four of us, ugh).
2020 was rough for most, dare I say, all of us, for various reasons. No surprise there, and also no surprise a lot of things became apparent to me. I felt so emotionally drained during all of that, and it was only in looking back that I saw how severe the depression was. But again, through that, so much clarity that basically hit me in the face around February/March of this year. Depression definitely puts you in a fog, so when I got out of that, it was a shock, and also a massive drive to make up that time and get to where I wanted to be. I started thinking differently.
In the summer, I had a very unexpected development professionally, and I feel like I’ve been kind of transitioning into that role and how it all works for me in my life and my long term goals over the past four months. (I don’t adjust to change with any sort of expediency, so I’m actually surprised at the point I’m at already.)
I know a bit more of what I want, and what I want my future to look like in the more near future. I’m good at how I want things to look in the long term and making steps towards that, but there’s so much in between, in the kind of waiting area, that I could be doing, and I’ve been starting to see that more lately and getting excited over some things.
I’m going to switch gears slightly and say I’ve done a lot of listening to other people, a lot of fearing other people, a lot of feeling less than and not good enough throughout my entire life, and it has led to not doing so many things.
But in the last few years I have learned something about doing things, and it’s that I don’t need to have all the answers and know how to do something. No one has that anyways, and I hate the amount of time I have spent feeling like everyone knows way more than me and that I am incapable. Obviously this is not a revolutionary thought, but we arrive at these things and realise how they can fit into our lives at different points, and I’m just finally here. And it feels good to be finally here.
So I’ve decided to do the scary things, and I’m starting work on a website that isn’t blogger. I used to have a really freaking cool Geocities site that I coded by myself (you know, before it was cool [if you know you know]), and I have done so much coding to my blog I lost track and have a billion copies just in case I screw up, so it’s kind of exciting to start from scratch. I have no niche, it’s going to be all the things. Which is vey fitting for me, since I have never really fit anywhere in life.
I don’t fully know what this next part is going to look like, and it will probably look like nothing for a while because I do have a lot going on in life currently, but I am also no longer content to wait, so there will be steps, however how small. I'm nervous to put myself out here in a different way, whilst not really knowing what the heck I’m doing. It’s going to be some trial and error, but I am also really excited.