I think this is something most people, if not all, think about at times. So often I have wondered who I am, what I'm doing, what I want. Most of the time my answer was "I don't know" and the rest of the time I made something up and tried to convince myself it was true. Sometimes it was easier to believe a lie than to keep not knowing and keep searching, and sometimes I thought maybe I knew and just didn't like the answer and felt lost in how to change it. Could I even change it? I also thought I was supposed to have figured it all out between the ages of 18 and 20 or so, but the truth is I have struggled with this through a lot of my life, and my teenage years were much worse, and my early twenties were perhaps even worse than my teenage years.
I'm going to skip ahead to where things first seemed to be getting to where I am now (although really my whole life has). I found out I was pregnant with Marion when I was 26. For the first seven or eight months I felt even more lost than before, and a whole host of other feelings that led me to feeling that way, or intensified the feeling. In the last month or so, I felt a shift, and when Marion was born, things really started to change for me. I've always felt like that "mother's intuition" kicked in. I had long been told to "go with my gut," but I was so untrusting of myself that I never really did. In fact, a lot of the time I did the exact opposite. But now...this tiny life that had invaded and stolen my heart and completed part of my soul depended on it. How she survived, who she became, our relationship depended on it, and I started trusting it. And let me tell you, I met opposition everywhere. I was heavily disagreed with and in a lot of instances I had to fight to do what I knew was right. I often felt (and still do at times) a little stupid. I have no experience with kids, how can I know this is right? But I just know.
A little into my 28th year, I started feeling another shift. And I think a lot of things over the past two years had been leading to this, and now I can look back and see how I was making steps towards this, though at the time it was not apparent. Instead of just trusting I knew what was right for Marion, I started trusting I knew what was right for me, too. I stopped doubting everything I thought. I stopped lying to myself. That came with a lot of realisations that were hard and frightening.
With 29 came a ridiculous amount of change, and many more realisations that are hard and frightening. The past seven months has been filled with changing everything, loss, dealing with a past sexual abuse situation, dealing with and healing from other abuse, managing my bipolar on my own to a different degree, and trying to figure simply how to live. So much changed so fast, so much hit me all at once, most of the time it was too much to handle, and I wish I could have dealt with it little by little, and I really wish things could have at least stopped so I could deal with it, but some things in life are beyond our control, and sometimes that's hard to swallow, too.
Before I go on, I want to be clear. I can say with surety I do not feel the things I am about to say as a result of a manic phase. I know myself well enough to know when I'm manic and when I'm...me (and really, I can pull myself down from mania really quickly). But I also know myself and the bipolar cycles well enough to know I'm going to be depressed again, and I may not feel the way I feel now anymore. But I know I will be back here. I have accepted this is my life, I will cycle, but it is a cycle, and the good will come back around, and when it does, you take advantage of it, you enjoy it, you create a reminder for yourself, and then eventually when things are bad, you have so many reminders of when they were good, and then you know you'll be there again. You know it won't always be bad.
I woke up better and better Thursday, then Friday. And I felt the tingle of something special, I kind of felt something, but was unsure (even though my late Friday/early Saturday Instagram post mentions something of this). Then Saturday morning I woke up and knew. (This is how I do things, I wake up and suddenly from the moment my eyes open I am better.) I knew who I was. I knew exactly what I wanted. I felt capable of attaining it. I didn't see limits, I saw possibilities. I didn't see that the time it would take was too much, I just saw that I could do it. I felt worthy of it. I felt confident. I felt, in that moment, I had never known myself so well.
I ended up spending that day with my best friend (we'd had these plans for over a month), and I laughed more than I had in a while (even though Marion was a bit on the moody and not-listening side). I felt so...me. And it was the most incredible feeling, and it felt so alien, yet so familiar. And I feel like at 29, I finally know myself. Maybe that's naive, or maybe it's premature to say, but that's exactly how I feel, and as I mentioned before, I need these reminders so that when I'm unsure, I can remember when I knew, and maybe I can get right back on track.
I don't usually ask questions of my readers at the end, but I will today. When was it that you finally felt like you (if yet)? Like you knew who you were? Did you write about it? Leave me a link, because I'd love to read others' experiences!
A little into my 28th year, I started feeling another shift. And I think a lot of things over the past two years had been leading to this, and now I can look back and see how I was making steps towards this, though at the time it was not apparent. Instead of just trusting I knew what was right for Marion, I started trusting I knew what was right for me, too. I stopped doubting everything I thought. I stopped lying to myself. That came with a lot of realisations that were hard and frightening.
With 29 came a ridiculous amount of change, and many more realisations that are hard and frightening. The past seven months has been filled with changing everything, loss, dealing with a past sexual abuse situation, dealing with and healing from other abuse, managing my bipolar on my own to a different degree, and trying to figure simply how to live. So much changed so fast, so much hit me all at once, most of the time it was too much to handle, and I wish I could have dealt with it little by little, and I really wish things could have at least stopped so I could deal with it, but some things in life are beyond our control, and sometimes that's hard to swallow, too.
Before I go on, I want to be clear. I can say with surety I do not feel the things I am about to say as a result of a manic phase. I know myself well enough to know when I'm manic and when I'm...me (and really, I can pull myself down from mania really quickly). But I also know myself and the bipolar cycles well enough to know I'm going to be depressed again, and I may not feel the way I feel now anymore. But I know I will be back here. I have accepted this is my life, I will cycle, but it is a cycle, and the good will come back around, and when it does, you take advantage of it, you enjoy it, you create a reminder for yourself, and then eventually when things are bad, you have so many reminders of when they were good, and then you know you'll be there again. You know it won't always be bad.
I woke up better and better Thursday, then Friday. And I felt the tingle of something special, I kind of felt something, but was unsure (even though my late Friday/early Saturday Instagram post mentions something of this). Then Saturday morning I woke up and knew. (This is how I do things, I wake up and suddenly from the moment my eyes open I am better.) I knew who I was. I knew exactly what I wanted. I felt capable of attaining it. I didn't see limits, I saw possibilities. I didn't see that the time it would take was too much, I just saw that I could do it. I felt worthy of it. I felt confident. I felt, in that moment, I had never known myself so well.
I ended up spending that day with my best friend (we'd had these plans for over a month), and I laughed more than I had in a while (even though Marion was a bit on the moody and not-listening side). I felt so...me. And it was the most incredible feeling, and it felt so alien, yet so familiar. And I feel like at 29, I finally know myself. Maybe that's naive, or maybe it's premature to say, but that's exactly how I feel, and as I mentioned before, I need these reminders so that when I'm unsure, I can remember when I knew, and maybe I can get right back on track.
I don't usually ask questions of my readers at the end, but I will today. When was it that you finally felt like you (if yet)? Like you knew who you were? Did you write about it? Leave me a link, because I'd love to read others' experiences!