tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90360450137307932572024-02-20T15:04:55.230-07:00A Glass ParadeChristen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-33014573376259312322021-11-16T19:56:00.007-07:002021-11-16T19:56:53.469-07:00It's Time<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/51685379841/in/dateposted-public/" title="841AB77A-450F-4307-8D0B-E7044D834E60"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51685379841_fa3eea062c_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script><br /><br /><div>I fully believe we are always changing, but I like to back up to the point that things began to change. <br /><br />For this, I can see how it started in the last half of 2019, but it kind of snapped in me in March 2020 on our Colorado vacation, which I have little photos of due to an unfortunate situation with iCloud not working and a white screen loop. I’m not over that (I had the most adorable photo of Marion on my back at Westminster Hills with the mountains in the background, running videos with Everest, photos with all four of us, ugh). <br /><br />2020 was rough for most, dare I say, all of us, for various reasons. No surprise there, and also no surprise a lot of things became apparent to me. I felt so emotionally drained during all of that, and it was only in looking back that I saw how severe the depression was. But again, through that, so much clarity that basically hit me in the face around February/March of this year. Depression definitely puts you in a fog, so when I got out of that, it was a shock, and also a massive drive to make up that time and get to where I wanted to be. I started thinking differently. <br /><br />In the summer, I had a very unexpected development professionally, and I feel like I’ve been kind of transitioning into that role and how it all works for me in my life and my long term goals over the past four months. (I don’t adjust to change with any sort of expediency, so I’m actually surprised at the point I’m at already.) <br /><br />I know a bit more of what I want, and what I want my future to look like in the more near future. I’m good at how I want things to look in the long term and making steps towards that, but there’s so much in between, in the kind of waiting area, that I could be doing, and I’ve been starting to see that more lately and getting excited over some things. <br /><br />I’m going to switch gears slightly and say I’ve done a lot of listening to other people, a lot of fearing other people, a lot of feeling less than and not good enough throughout my entire life, and it has led to not doing so many things. <br /><br />But in the last few years I have learned something about doing things, and it’s that I don’t need to have all the answers and know how to do something. No one has that anyways, and I hate the amount of time I have spent feeling like everyone knows way more than me and that I am incapable. Obviously this is not a revolutionary thought, but we arrive at these things and realise how they can fit into our lives at different points, and I’m just finally here. And it feels good to be finally here. <br /><br />So I’ve decided to do the scary things, and I’m starting work on a website that isn’t blogger. I used to have a really freaking cool Geocities site that I coded by myself (you know, before it was cool [if you know you know]), and I have done so much coding to my blog I lost track and have a billion copies just in case I screw up, so it’s kind of exciting to start from scratch. I have no niche, it’s going to be all the things. Which is vey fitting for me, since I have never really fit anywhere in life. <br /><br />I don’t fully know what this next part is going to look like, and it will probably look like nothing for a while because I do have a lot going on in life currently, but I am also no longer content to wait, so there will be steps, however how small. I'm nervous to put myself out here in a different way, whilst not really knowing what the heck I’m doing. It’s going to be some trial and error, but I am also really excited.<br /></div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-751799402227488192021-09-30T15:36:00.002-06:002021-09-30T18:36:50.179-06:00A Fall Leaves Shoot - only a year late -<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/51536866284/in/album-72157719987884120/" title="DSC_2431_BW"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51536866284_a6131b17c6_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
<p>Last fall, on a warmer day between Halloween and Christmas, Marion and I headed out to clean the leaves from the front porch, and rake the front yard. I love the leaves, but the snow is more fun without them, and it helps the grass, too. I knew there was going to be leaf jumping fun, and as I finished up and she was preparing to jump in the pile, I yelled, "Wait! Let me get my camera!" She patiently waited, and then had a blast while I fired away.</p><p>We got some really fun shots!</p>
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The pure joy on her face... I can't help but smile at these. <div><br />
I guess sometimes I feel like constantly taking photos hinders me doing and being with her, but in these cases, it just made the whole thing more fun, and she often now is happy to let me do sessions with her because she recognises how much I love it. She is also starting to get to the point where she really loves looking back at photos, and is thinking about that more often, though not nearly as much as me. </div><div>
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Forever torn between black and white or colour...sometimes you just need both. </div><div>
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I'm so happy I ran inside and got my camera that day. I have such vivid memories of this, as simple as it is, but I know that without the photos it wouldn't be near as bold in my mind.</div><div><br />
I wish I had gotten these edited sooner, but that's okay. Just in time to look back on some fun from last year, and be able to excitedly look to what fun we have coming in the next couple of months!
</div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-20644305164486743182021-09-21T23:37:00.000-06:002021-09-21T23:37:11.381-06:00Episodes<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/51502703784/in/dateposted-public/" title="_DSC7774_Colour"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51502703784_beec27113c_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script><p>After discussing a new series in life, or specifically about how I've been doing so well, I had a bipolar episode.</p><p>As usual, I didn't immediately notice it. I just woke up and didn't feel so great. </p><p>"It's just a rough day," I thought.</p><p>But it continued.</p><p>"I'm just stressed. I need to chill," I thought.</p><p>So I chilled, but still it persisted. </p><p>I determined it really seemed like severe anxiety, and labelled it that. </p><p>After about a week of this, I woke up on Thursday, and it was gone. </p><p>My episodes always go like this. Like something resets overnight, and I will wake up in this unpleasant episode, and no amount of anything will shake me out of it until I just randomly wake up better. </p><p>I think I had realised it near the end. I felt the explosiveness rising up in me, like my body wasn't going to contain it any longer, and then...it was gone the next morning. </p><p>It's sometimes hard to talk about feeling like I'm doing better, because then I have an episode, and I feel like a liar, or like I was being untruthful, or trying to put on a façade. In reality though, <i>this is being bipolar</i>. You can be doing better and still have an episode, and then come out of it where you were. It took me a long time to realise that this is not linear. An episode isn't steps back that I have to catch up on when I pull out of it. I can stumble off the side, and return right back to the path. I'm just starting to learn this and fully embrace it, and I'm not sure why it's a concept, or rather a fact, that I struggle so heavily with. Perhaps it's my unrealistic expectations for myself, or maybe it's simply fear, for the times I did take a heavy step back.</p><p>I do know this was triggered by stress.</p><p>I received a promotion in July, and then took over additional responsibilities in August, and then Marion started school in October, so my time and schedule has changed drastically. It was a good time, because I was mentally and emotionally well, it was a slow season for work, so it was the perfect time to transition. School, however, threw me for a loop. I suddenly needed an extra five to six hours out of my day, and that left no time for housework, no time for fun or relaxing for me, barely time to breathe. I exhausted myself horribly, I was in tears almost daily trying to figure out how in the world I could find time for everything and fit it in, and it wasn't working. Queue the breakdown. </p><p>I came out of my episode, though, just in time for a trip to visit family. And it kind of came at the worst time, but I couldn't have known when I planned it. Between recovering from a week and a half of severe anxiety, and a major project that popped up at work, I have not sufficiently rested. Thursday and Friday was full of work catch up and preparing and packing for our trip, Saturday was all driving, and I've been going in some capacity since we arrived. I had hoped to get some rest, be able to do some drawing or reading, some photo editing, etc. I am getting this time to sit and write, mostly because I have a headache, I'm really tired, and I can't sleep, and I was having trouble focusing on doing anything else. It's really nice though that writing this has brought me some focus. Maybe this is what I should be doing more. I always want to write, but I end up just coming up with it in my head, and once I've completed the segment, it's gone. </p><p>But, this has brought me some focus, so maybe, just maybe, I can work on some things now, since I can't sleep anyways. I have a photo session to finish editing and post (and it's really almost done), some western sunflowers to practice for my horse drawing, more Longmire to read, and of course getting some of my work project done wouldn't be a bad idea either. </p><p>I always feel I need to close with something thought-provoking, but it's not my style.</p>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-46499687897232690652021-09-02T15:17:00.003-06:002021-09-02T20:56:31.492-06:00The Closing of a Series and Beginning of a New One Or Something Like ThatI keep feeling like I should shove down my dreams, like I have so often, since I was a child even. <br /><br />Interests. <br /><br />Hopes. <br /><br />It would be easy to do, it’s familiar. Like my time is over, it’s a waste, it doesn’t make sense, it’s too late, there’s no point. <br /><br />It’s too hard. There are too many pieces. <br /><br />But I can think of so many times where I did something I didn’t think I could do, figured out something I didn’t think I could, did something really hard. <br /><br />I didn’t always do it. <br /><br />I mean, I have a ton of college credit, and only one degree, so I didn’t do that. <br /><br />But when you have to nail down that, “I want to be” question, and it’s supposed to end with some general career choice, well, that never set right with me, that one I just couldn’t do. <br /><br />But with a lot of things, I did it. And here I am. <br /><br />Something has changed in me again. It’s always hard to pinpoint when, as I back up I can mark so many places something was changing. I have been through a lot, a lot of things have changed me deeply. <br /><br />I first saw a psychiatrist when I was 21. One of the first questions he asked me was, “What is your goal for treatment?” <br /><br />“To not need treatment,” I answered. <br /><br />He chuckled and I guess he knew what kind of patient he was accepting, then. <br /><br />I have been unmedicated since three weeks before Marion was born. <br /><br />I haven’t seen a psychiatrist since she was three months old. It wasn’t really by choice, but that’s just how it was. <br /><br />Bipolar changes are a bit easier for me to pinpoint and nail down. It started in October of last year, but only for about a week. <br /><br />Then in December, it was a slingshot. It shifted, and I knew it the moment it happened. I literally woke from sleep and could feel it. <br /><br />I have been a different person since then. “More normal” is how I would put it. I haven’t had a truly depressing cycle since before October. I have, perhaps, had more mania/hypomania, but nothing beyond my control. I’m still working on the difference between simply ME and my mania, it’s a fine line a lot of times. <br /><br />I kept waiting on the spring depression to come. <br /><br />It didn’t. <br /><br />The summer depression. <br /><br />It didn’t. <br /><br />As we head into fall, I’m feeling like an even more joyful and normal version of myself. <br /><br />I’ve worked through some trauma (I can listen to country music now, I just don’t prefer most of it). <br /><br />I’m feeling more worthy of life in general. <br /><br />I feel important. <br /><br />Which brings me to: why the heck would I shove down my dreams? <br /><br />I feel more like jumping in with both feet. <br /><br />I’m working harder for what I want, and enjoying that. <br /><br />And I’m also remembering what my psychiatrist said when I answered his question, “That’s ambitious. It’s also not reasonable.” <br /><br />He was totally, 100% correct, by the way. It wasn’t reasonable. <br /><br />But that’s not my point. <br /><br />In the past six to seven years I have constantly felt like I could be living such a better life if I was able to get back on track with my medications. If I was able to see a psychiatrist again. I thought life would be so much easier for me, because most of the time I am struggling through every moment of every day. I wonder if Marion would have a better life. If Ryan would. If Everest would. I guilt myself into thinking I’m ruining their lives, and they deserve someone more normal. <br /><br />It’s false. <br /><br />I have felt like a little more of that “normal” person lately. Which is a big improvement over the medicated me. <br /><br />(But let’s be honest, I’m far from normal and I always will be.) <br /><br />I see more of the “me in my head” in my actions. <br /><br />I smile even more (and I improved on that four years ago, and recently noticed the change in my photos). <br /><br />My expressions aren’t so suppressed. <br /><br />It’s truly lovely. <br /><br />So… <br /><br />It’s been super, super hard, but after 12 years, here I am. I can check that goal off the list. <br /><br />(I’ll also mention here that this goal requires continual maintenance, so it’s not a done deal.) <br /><br />It was ambitious. <br /><br />It wasn’t reasonable. <br /><br />And now I ask myself again if I should shove aside my dreams and interests, and hopes in life. <br /><br />Not a shred of me will say yes. <br /><br />A resounding NO. <br /><br />Sometimes it’s good to say no.Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-6724626409964871272021-05-06T10:38:00.003-06:002021-05-06T10:38:42.101-06:00A Year of Growth and the Rest of Our Lives<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/27660497653/in/album-72157658199279355/" title="IMG_8532"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/8653/27660497653_8fd845b5dc_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
<p>The completing of projects, saving of money for more projects, waiting to plant and the picking up of work has had me in a strange state. Not quite a full depression, but some sort of lull, in between depressed and normal. I'm not sleeping well, but not necessarily insomniatic (I don't think that's a word, but I'm making it one), and I keep experiencing a sort of sleep paralysis. I'm feeling less and less energy, and keep feeling so overwhelmed by just the little everyday things, to the extent I have a hard time figuring out how I was doing so much just a month or month and a half ago. I'm trying to feel less like I am failing at the moment, but I still have projects that need completing sooner rather than later, and I am not finding the time or energy for them.</p><p>At the same time, I have been deep in thought, which seems to go hand in hand in these periods of time. And sometimes I need these slower, more awkward stages, to take in all the thoughts. I think my mind goes so fast that everything else has to slow down for a time to take it all in.</p><p>I've been contemplating my, our, future in a way I really haven't in a very long time. I was very forward thinking as a child, however as I got older, and no doubt as my bipolar disorder and general anxiety and depression began to present, I felt very stuck and lost, and like the future was impossible to look at or plan for. Which I believe has led to a lot of poor decisions. I've honestly never looked more than about five years out before, but now I'm looking at, "what do I want the rest of my life to look like?" And I'm glad I am finally at this point, and glad I can finally see that. It feels exciting, but also daunting because I don't quite know how to get there and how it will all work, but it feels like a good future.</p><p><br />
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</p><p>I came across this on Instagram from <a href="https://www.instagram.com/millennial.therapist/" target="_blank">@millennial.therapist</a>, and I realised I have been in a thoughtful state for a really long time. I put a little bit of words to it in a post <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CN4MkodFrXi/" target="_blank">here</a>, but even since then I realised I've been undergoing a different kind of change for at least a year. That's weird to say because I've been through a lot in the past ten years, at least, and it feels like I am constantly going through something and I am constantly being changed. I know we will all experience this to a degree, but it feels like in my case it's been much more extreme and there has been much less consistency or continuity in my life. But it feels like maybe I'm in a place for that. Not that I have "arrived" or anything of the sort, but rather, maybe like I'm finally on the other side of all these horrible things. Like maybe I can step out of survival mode. There has been a lot more aloneness, my relationships have changed, I believe because I needed that aloneness, and that is not an unusual thing for me to need when something is changing, or I'm trying to figure something out for myself. But unfortunately, I didn't realise that was what was going on till the past week, which also explains why it began lifting an I was ready to talk about it, and I was ready to, kind of, return to the world.</p><p>I had a hard week though, but it's on the up. </p>
<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/51162810980/in/dateposted-public/" title="F068D195-23A8-4756-B6F5-FF5C5244C36C"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51162810980_50e117ed46_o.jpg" width="678C"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-19583331743379827312021-04-28T11:30:00.000-06:002021-04-28T11:30:04.883-06:00How To Adding Stampede Strings to Your Hat<p>I've been doing more work in the yard lately, and as summer approaches, that is only increasing. I love it, but as a very pale-skinned individual, protection from the sun is a must. I avoid sunscreen as much as possible because even the most natural brands cause irritation if I leave it on for very long. So I'm often seen in long sleeves and hats during the summer months. </p>
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<p>I love hats, clearly. But I mostly wear them for fun, and unfortunately, I found the two hats I wear outside the most to be not ideal. One is thick felt, so very hot and best for cooler temps, and the other is suede, and I didn't want to damage it with water because it's my favourite hat. My dad wears straw hats for working outside, but complains they break down and need replaced so quickly, so I took some time to do some research, and read some reviews.</p>
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<p>What I settled on is not the coolest option, it's a Mexican Palm made by Stetson, and it did not have the chin strap/stampede strings that I was hoping for. However, the reviews are incredible and it looks so nice. I was skeptical to spend $55 on a hat I will just work in, but the cheaper options don't seem to last very long, so it felt worth it.</p><p>And let me tell you, it was so worth it. I absolutely love it. I see why so many people called it an "heirloom hat" and said it's the only one you'll need to purchase. I really haven't had any trouble with it falling off my head while working, however I still wished it had the stampede strings as we get heavy winds here and I feel like they would be a nice addition. </p>
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<p>A little research, and I found that you can purchase strings and attach them really easily. One particular option doesn't even require any modifications to the hat, which was a plus for me, so I started looking for the strings, and I found this great pair from <a href="https://knot-a-tail.com/" target="_blank">Knot-A-Tail</a> on <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/Knotatail" target="_blank">Etsy</a>. I know there are a few tutorials out there, but thought I would add some photos here of the process.</p><p>First, you'll need to find out exactly where the strings should go. I placed my hat on my head, and made a small mark on the underside of my hat right where the front of my ear is.</p>
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<p>Once you have the marks, it's time to insert the cotter pin between the stitches on the sweat band where the marks are. It should slide in pretty easily.</p>
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<p>One the cotter pin is through, flip the sweat band down, and bend the pin apart so it's open and flat against the the seam. Then flip the sweat band back up, and you're done. </p>
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<p>The markers marks ended up being really unnoticeable, and I'm guessing they'll eventually wear off, but if not, it doesn't even show.</p>
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<p>I love the addition of the strings, and I'm glad I didn't let the lack of them stop me from purchasing this hat, because it's truly amazing, and the strings are so easy to attach. Had I known the ease sooner, it probably would have meant way less searching.</p><p>I hope this is useful for someone! I highly recommend <a href="https://stetson.com">Stetson</a>, and also urge you to check out <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/knotatail">Knot-A-Tail</a>, they have some really beautiful hat accessories made from horse hair.</p>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-80423244914506118402021-04-10T16:07:00.000-06:002021-04-10T16:07:19.309-06:00Film Photography Yashica Electro 35GT with Kodak GC8 400<p>I was gifted a Yashica Electro 35GT by my brother for Christmas. Overall, it was in good shape, but a lot of the dials would barely budge, and I couldn't adjust the lenses due to gunk. A little work though, and all was working! A repair man at a camera shop helped me with the battery, as it originally took one that contained mercury.</p><p>I was so anxious to get this roll back. I shot in a variety of settings, because I really had no idea how the photos were going to come out.</p>
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I'm looking forward to shooting more with this one, and learning it better! It's so nice to shoot with.</div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-70953821258942333002021-04-07T16:13:00.003-06:002021-04-10T18:00:11.559-06:00Spring's Arrival<p>I keep waiting to write things and post things until I have a pretty photo to go along with it, but honestly, that's just dumb. And also I have a ton of beautiful photos, even if they aren't recent or relevant. One day I'll have have photos with more care taken to them, maybe even with myself included in frame, but I only have quick snapshots currently and it's no reason not to write, and it's totally okay.</p><p>Spring has not brought the level of depression I generally experience, despite not feeling physically well. I can usually limp through till mid to late April, feigning "okayness," but this year, it's not a show, I'm just okay. </p><div style="display: inline-block; margin-right: 0.4em; width: 49%;"><a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/51101543929/in/dateposted-public/" title="video_0_a409131d78d242458d9d5e34490f5035"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/31337/51101543929_06016fb359_o.jpg" width="335" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script></div>
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<p>As winter ended, I tackled a project I'd had in my head for two years--building a pantry shelf. Our house is quite small, and we lack a lot of cabinet space, and really needed somewhere to store pantry goods. I had to do some redesigning, and it took a couple of weeks between work and everything else, but I got it built, and that feeling of a completed project really pushed me.</p>
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<p>The springlike weather turned my sights to work outdoors, and I planned the garden and the backyard. I even measured everything out and drew up plans so I could ensure it was how I wanted it first. It was fun to use those old architecture skills from years ago, even if I couldn't find my graph paper and the old tools I used to utilise in designing and planning. </p>
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<p>Once I had the plans set, I started building materials lists, pricing things, making trips to Home Depot with my assistant in my small car that I sometimes pretend is a small truck.</p>
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<p>I started building, and have almost everything done. The kitchen table is my greenhouse, full of plants that I can't wait to put in the ground. I have stacks of seeds on my desk that we're anxiously waiting to plant in the next few weeks. Everything I planned for is almost complete, and from here it'll mainly be upkeep, which is destined to be a daily thing to add to my routine. </p><p>I often feel guilty because I start a lot of projects, and I end up not finishing them, or taking a year or more to complete them. I think it's easy to get things started when my mood is level, or even when I'm more on the hypomanic end of things, but then when the depression starts to seep in, it comes with a lot of overwhelm and difficulty tending to simple tasks, and so then those projects become not doable. But I think this time around I have discovered a calm and serenity in continuing these projects through my down times, and I have experienced more of a push back to normality in completing things and being able to stand back and look at what I did, look at what I pushed through. To you it may be a garden box, but to me it's something that took a lot of myself to create, and I did it, and I'm on the other side, and I feel energetic and empowered to keep going.</p><p>The next projects include:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>an herb box for the yard</li><li>a raspberry trellis</li><li>another trellis for the blackberries if I buy more plants...because I'm thinking about going ahead and adding more</li><li>a small flower box for the side of the compost bin</li><li>some enclosure for the rose area, maybe just another box</li><li>reworking our living room closet</li><li>making some twig baskets</li><li>building a deck on Marion's swingset for a slide</li></ul><p></p><p>Along with the projects and the planning, I enrolled Marion in some activities again, which had all been cancelled when COVID struck in March 2020. The place we went previously was forced to shut down, and it felt overwhelming to find a new place, but in actuality, it was simple and easy and we love it. This has added to two weekly outings, which I have scheduled work around, and its given even more of a routine. She also has another one starting in a few weeks, and has two camps scheduled for the summer, so there's a lot for her to do and enjoy, and I'm liking the routine of it all.</p><p>Some of the other fun summer things:<br /></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>we have an upcoming camping trip, and it won't be the only one</li><li>I purchased us a SUP board, so we'll be enjoying some time on the water learning something new</li><li>more hiking is upcoming, and Marion is more excited about it than last year</li><li>I may go trail riding while Marion is at horse camp, I haven't ridden in years, and it's one of my huge passions that I pretty put out of my mind</li></ul><div>I can actually say I genuinely look forward to everything we'll get into in the coming months, and it hasn't taken the effort I thought it would to get to this point. It has almost kind of just happened. I felt a shift in me in September/October, and then again and more strongly in December, and it's been for the better. It doesn't mean I haven't had bad days, or even some bad weeks, where I thought nothing as better and everything was at square one again, but I feel like I am managing my bipolar symptoms a little better, and crawling out to stand in the open air a little more, which is a really great feeling.</div><div><br /></div><div>Back to that thing at the beginning...I'm trying to get my camera out more to document some of these things, and enjoy some photography while I'm at it, and I will be sure to post photos here, and definitely on <a href="http://instagram.com/thiswanderersheart" target="_blank">Instagram</a>. In fact, all the projects I've been doing are on Instagram in my highlights. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm so excited to see how the next bit goes.</div><p></p><p></p>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-29065762250162293062021-02-25T16:34:00.002-07:002021-02-25T16:34:35.222-07:00Books of 2021 Dash & Lily's Book of Dares<img align="left" src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/50980888637_d9f6fa64f1_o.jpg" style="margin: 0px 10px 0px 0px;" width="339" />
<div>After watching the Netlfix series, I was so excited to read this book.</div><div><br /></div><div>There will possibly be spoilers, and I will reference the screen adaptation, though I don't generally go in depth and give a synopsis.</div><div><br /></div>★★★★★<div><br /></div><div>This rating is for both. Even though there were a decent number of differences, they were each really good on their own.</div><div><br /></div><div>First off, who didn't think of this idea as a teen? Writing some scavenger hunt to find some person who was willing to do it, who actually got it, and who is game for playing along? Just me? Okay, nevermind then.</div><div><br /></div><div>The idea of the red Moleskine in The Strand is incredible. So I was instantly drawn in. I also loved how it was placed in the Salinger section (which reminded me I hadn't read Catcher in the Rye, which I am now reading and simply loving, and I'll need to read his other books now). I have also purchased books online from The Strand, knew what it was, and it was on my list should I ever make my way to New York. Dash talking about how The Strand didn't try to be a community center to get people in, it was just a bookstore.</div><div><br /></div><div>I instantly got that Dash was going to be rather surly, which I liked from the get-go. He is described as snarly all throughout the book. This is a trait I am rather familiar with. I really loved his language, especially in the book, and the general way he spoke, even though most people would probably refer to it as pretentious. His conversations with Mrs. Basil E were especially enjoyable.</div><div><br /></div><div>But onto Lily...she is a Christmas freak (I can also appreciate this), and she is happy and positive, and seems to always be in a good mood or looking on the bright side, but she seems to be right at the beginning of the reality of growing up, and what that looks like. She also adores dogs, and in the book obtains a mastiff named Boris that seems to almost worship her. She is so cute and likeable. I will have to say I was disappointed that she initially seemed a book nerd as well, but that kind of dropped off somewhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>The scavenger hunt through New York is incredible in both book and series, as there were some differences. We've got wax museums, pies with cheese on them, living statues, underground jewcore shows with transvestites, a Disney Pixar film about office supplies, majorette boots, a Macy's Santa and elf, baking class, art supply closets...it's so fun. I totally missed out as a teen.</div><div><br /></div><div>The book got better and better, honestly, and so did the series. I would find myself laughing, smiling, crying without even realising it at first. It was a good story you could really sink into, where you really cared about the characters.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was not all fun and flowery though, and that was another thing I appreciated. There was a recurring theme of how the notebook is easy because you can just write, and how talking in person is so much harder, and this is something I can relate to so well, because it's a struggle for me, even in my 30's. There's also the anxiety of "will we measure up to each others' ideas in their head"? And that plays a huge role in some of their decision making, and also some of their bad decisions.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've left off tons, so even if there are spoilers, there's so much more to discover in these, including really awesome characters. I think the book and series were each amazing, and if you watch the series, you should definitely read the book and vice versa. Neither are very time-consuming and, as I already said, both are awesome.</div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-44280254368395776812021-02-24T06:30:00.001-07:002021-02-24T06:30:04.119-07:00A New Season Approaches<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/50973479092/in/dateposted-public/" title="Untitled"><img alt="Untitled" src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/50973479092_49df833d35_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script> <div>As the snow, which brought me so much joy and happiness, has melted away, my depression has begun to creep in. I know spring is looming around the corner, and I’ve been doing nothing but working and reading the past few days (so I read three books and I'll review those soon), and trying to be okay. Today the temperatures will be in the 60's and I'm just not ready for it yet.</div><div><br /></div><div>There will always be dark times, and I want nothing more than to handle this seasonal depression I’m approaching better than I did last year (but really last year was kind of suck all around).</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm hoping for...</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>more family nights with games or movies, maybe even book reading</li><li>more outings and activities with Marion</li><li>more hikes</li><li>plenty of outside time doing all the things</li><li>continued morning runs daily yoga, and maybe a few programs</li><li>filling the house with music</li><li>reading tons of books</li><li>making all kinds of art</li><li>taking some mini trips</li><li>gardening, not only in pots</li><li>finally making kombucha?</li></ul><div><br /></div><div>And about my list of unpalatable things and situations...I hope I can make some headway in resolving or bettering those. I'll most likely mention these on Instagram or even here, but mostly they involve a job I detest, and the state of our house, and the latter will be quite fun to post about.</div></div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-32278587989260416252021-02-23T09:24:00.004-07:002021-02-23T10:18:02.844-07:00Books of 2021 Sam & Ilsa's Last Hurrah<img align="left" src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/50973251341_4f2e9a44be_o.jpg" style="margin: 0px 10px 0px 0px;" width="339" />
Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist is a very loved movie for me. It's hard to say favourite because I do enjoy so many movies. But I guess you could consider it a favourite.<div>
<br />In December I happened upon Dash & Lily on Netflix, and all the indie vibes definitely pulled me in and I watch the whole series in one sitting (but it isn't very long, so not as intense as it sounds).</div><div>
<br />Afterwards, I obviously checked to see if there was more coming, and discovered I had completely missed the many times it stated "based on a novel by" and there were books. Not only that, this is the same author who created Nick & Norah, which I had also never known was a book (to do: pay more attention to credits to discover more books).</div><div>
<br />I mean, obviously I ordered them. And threw in another one due to an Amazon promo which made it free. It was the first book to arrive, and I dove in eagerly.</div><div>
<br />I'm going to stop you here and let you know that there may be spoilers. So there, you know, and I'll continue freely.<div>
<br />
<center>★★☆☆☆ </center>
<br />
Disappointing, right? Yeah, no kidding.</div><div>
<br />Being a YA novel, it was easy to read, and read quickly, which was what I was hoping since I had some other really heavy books I was working on, and it's nice to have some easy reads thrown in.The book takes place in pretty much one room of an apartment during a party. This is somewhat what I was expecting, but it also got really boring after a short time, however it may have been due to how I started feeling about the characters.</div><div>
<br />At first, I really loved it, and I even felt like I identified with Ilsa a bit, but I didn't even make it halfway before it started going downhill. I realised I didn't really like her, or Sam, or literally any other person at the party. They all seemed like whiny, entitled jerks, and as the book went on, I realised there was just no depth to them. Not even the main characters. There were hints of something deeper, maybe, but it was very mild, and never expounded on.</div><div>
<br />I forced myself to read it, but by the end, I didn't care about any of them. The final chapter takes place ten years later, and I thought maybe something there would be redeeming, but it was just as bad. It told me almost nothing.</div><div>
<br />I don't generally force myself to read a book when I'm not enjoying it, but with Nick & Norah, and Dash & Lily and how much I enjoyed the screen adaptations, I just really kept hoping this one would get better. I'm so sorry to say it never did.</div><div>
<br />It's a rarity, but this book is likely to be donated.</div></div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-43825086069751809252020-10-16T00:04:00.004-06:002021-02-23T09:26:51.013-07:00Thoughts in the Stillness<div>Isn't it strange, how we need to find ourselves? To figure out who we are?</div><div><br />I am here, I know all my thoughts, I feel all my feelings, I like all my likes. I know the deepest and darkest that no one else does. So how is it that I wouldn't know who I am? That I wouldn't know to where I have gone?</div><div><br />Why do we allow the world to get us, snatch us up, tell us who we're supposed to be? Why are we expected to conform? To be like ventriloquist dummies, sitting on the laps of those who tell us we are not enough, and allowing them to put their words in our mouths? How is it that we come to believe those words? How is it that we begin to deny ourselves?</div><div><br />There is no standard human. What if we could all accept that there is no mold into which anyone is to fit? How would this change the human experience?</div><div><br />Things I think of late at night in the stillness and calm.</div>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-21137870504982254922020-10-08T11:12:00.001-06:002020-10-08T11:14:56.162-06:00What A Year<p> It's been a real whirlwind. </p><p>I forgot I even made goals this year. I guess my trial back into creating goals didn't go so well. I probably could have kept up with a good bit of the ones I had, but in all the mess I just forgot. By mid-March both my jobs were incredibly busy and I just worked. I worked so much. I worked myself sick. I took more time off in July, August, and September because I just couldn't work anymore, and it was very needed. I'm now back to a more regular schedule, which feels nice, but I'm still adjusting to it. </p><p>I'm not going to list out all the things I did over quarantine and in the recent months, it's all mostly on my <a href="https://instagram.com/thiswanderersheart" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, but I felt like returning here, and I feel like getting back to the point of fixing up this little space, because sometimes I want to write more than what fits on Instagram, or not need a photo, or post more photos than Instagram will allow. I always think of my place here and how I want to do more. I just never put it to action, and I find the times I want to write the most, I can't for whatever reason. </p><p>I'm so happy that fall is here and cooler weather is on the way! I'm slipping out of my summer depression, and it's a bit of a push and pull at the moment still, but it's in process and it feels so good, and my creativity is coming out of its cave, and I'm feeling so much more free. Better times are here, and also ahead.</p>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-30619328250981390802019-12-29T00:28:00.000-07:002019-12-29T00:28:46.437-07:00It's Been A While and Hello to 2020<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/49291597667/in/dateposted-public/" title="DSC_7062_Colour"><img src="https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/49291597667_1f274ccb93_o.jpg" width="678" alt="DSC_7062_Colour"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
<br />
<br />
I only posted once in 2019. I'm not surprised.<br />
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A lot of really good things happened. A lot of good life changes. But for me, change always comes with a long adjustment period, and usually a lot of depression. But I think I am reaching the tail end of that, and it feels amazing. Winter has helped, as it is the time I thrive the most.<br />
<br />
I feel like I want to share a lot of the things that happened in 2019, and share lots of photos, but I don't know when I'll get to that, and really, my <a href="https://instagram.com/thiswanderersheart">Instagram</a> serves as a good summary for that. So check it out!<br />
<br />
The main point of this post is a starting point. It's (almost) a new year, I'm in a new place, in a new mindset. And I think it's time to bring back goals. In 2019 I struggled a lot because of the changes, and in some ways I lost a bit of self, so it's time to get all that back this new year, and make some improvements and changes. In addition, I have three words for the year, so I'll get into those, too!<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>------ Goals for 2020 ------</b></div>
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<b>1. Go on 25 hikes</b><br />
<div>
It's one of my <i>favourite</i> things to do and I barely did any of it this year. And I'm basically sick of not getting out in nature!<br />
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<b>2. Never miss an Impact Day</b></div>
<div>
I love doing this with <a href="https://keepnaturewild.com/">Keep Nature Wild</a>, and when they brought the program back, I was so excited. I did one Impact Day, and then I forgot about it. Partially because we use Slack for communication and I had a lot of issues with it functioning, and partially because life and me struggling. So, I don't want to miss these anymore, and it should be easy if I am completing the above goal anyways!<br />
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<b>3. Less of my day job</b></div>
<div>
I don't want to list the company here, but I've been with them too long, management is horrible to say the least, and it's causing too much stress in my everyday life at this point. So I need the income...but I need to take it down a bit. So the plan is to go off having a set schedule, and only sign up for hours when they're available and I want to work. More freedom, and more accessibility to breaks from them when I can't take anymore.<br />
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<b>4. More Punkpost</b></div>
<div>
I'm a handwriting artist for <a href="http://www.punkpost.com/">Punkpost</a>, and I also help with customer service emails and handle some corporate accounts, and I <i>love</i> it. It's not quite enough hours to allow me to quit my day job, but it's close, and if I had more time for more work there, I could work less at my day job and maintain my income.<br />
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<b>5. Weekly running goals</b></div>
<div>
I don't really aspire to run marathons or anything, but I love getting out and moving, and getting some exercise. I also have a husky that needs regular exercise, so it's even more important we get out. I don't know where I will start my goals, but I think they will differ weekly according to my workload, the weather, how I'm feeling, and probably what I did the week before! I may also sign up for a 10K just as some motivation!<br />
<br />
<b>6. Strict budget</b><br />
I started a <a href="https://www.youneedabudget.com/">budget</a> in November, and It was so helpful! I knew I needed one, just didn't put the time into it (which was dumb...so dumb). It was a little rough to start, trying to figure it out and get it all organised, but now I want to set some clear financial goals and limits and stick to them throughout this year!<br />
<br />
<b>7. Pay monthly on student loans</b><br />
I don't currently have payments, so I just want to start budgeting something for it every month. Seriously, if I can only do $5 that month, so be it. They will be receiving $5.<br />
<br />
<b>8. House goals</b><br />
We have repairs, organizational things, cosmetic things, every kind of thing we need to do with this house. I want to start setting some goals for it, prioritising things, and coming up with an action plan for certain things so we can stay organized and on track, and get things done to make this place work better for us.<br />
<br />
<b>9. Schedule</b><br />
I basically have no schedule right now. So I need to change that in basically every way.<br />
<br />
<b>10. Stick to the bullet journal</b></div>
<div>
This is my first year doing a bullet journal. I had a Passion Planner for a few years, and I loved it, but when life changed, it just didn't fit anymore, and I haven't found a planner that fits in. So I'm going to try the bullet journal, which will also give me a chance to make some personal art! I have some ideas, and I think this year there will be a lot of copying other things I find, but I'll figure out what works as I go!<br />
<br />
<b>11. Focus on my health</b><br />
Basically, I haven't taken care of myself in a year. I haven't eaten well, I don't drink enough water, I'm not exercising, I'm not getting out enough, I'm not caring for my face or hair right, I'm not taking care of my mental health. So changes on all fronts there.<br />
<br />
<b>12. Blog</b><br />
I really miss writing here, even though it's all just random stuff. So I want to try to do it more, and maybe it'll build into something less random! I have some hopes, but we'll just see how they turn out.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>------ Words for 2020 ------</b></div>
<br />
I decided to use a word generator. The button was weird. I thought it wasn't working and I tapped it three times. On the third time, I guess all three taps registered. Two words flashed quickly, and then I had just on word on the page. Strangely, they all fit things I were feeling and was thinking about it. So I have three words.<br />
<br />
<b>SEE</b><br />
I feel I have not been observant enough. I had a hard time this year, and I think I did a lot of things that if I had thought about a little more, I would have seen more of how they could affect those close to me: my husband and daughter. So I need to be looking and seeing how things will affect everything around me, and how I can adjust for a better outcome.<br />
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<b>SMILE</b><br />
I haven't done a lot of this throughout 2019. As soon as spring hit, I went downhill hard. I usually struggle with depression in spring and summer, so it's kind of no surprise, but it seemed rougher than it has been at times, and I think it was mostly due to the changes that occurred near the end of winter. It's strange, so many times I want to smile, but it's almost like my face literally won't. Like, why do I insist on not smiling? It's so weird, and I don't like it, so I'm trying to smile more, when I feel like it, because I actually like smiling.<br />
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<b>RISK</b><br />
I won't write much about this one, partially because I don't have any sort of plan, but this relates to my photography, and how I feel like I don't take enough risks. So...it felt like something was telling me to ignore everything people have told me or advised when they started out, and do it my own way.<br />
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<br />
<br />
It feels like a lot, but honestly, at the same time, it feels like a lot of things that will fall into place once I get going. And I'm truly hoping that will be the case!<br />
<br />
What do you think? Any advice or input on any of these things? Would you like to see updates here on the blog?<br />
<br />
I would also love to hear what your plans for 2020 are!</div>
Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-5792839479045496592019-04-22T10:32:00.000-06:002019-04-22T10:32:11.963-06:00The UnbraidingHello 2019!<br /><br />This year has brought so much, and I want to dig into it eventually, but for now, I felt like sharing something I wrote back in September. This, coupled with my post from December 31st, actually provide a great segue into this year and all that has been going on.<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
Life feels really strange at the moment.<br />
<br />
I would venture to say life might feel more strange when you're bipolar and sometimes you just really don't know what's going on with your own brain.<br />
<br />
I feel like I have been changing for a long time. And when I think about changes, I think about, "Well, a year ago things really started changing. But really, I can see the start of that was about two years before that. But before <i>that</i>..." And it just keeps going.<br />
<br />
It has taken me thirty years to learn that I am ever changing. I have no clue whether or not this is normal, but this is my normal.<br />
<br />
I posted a quote on Instagram recently from one of my favorite artists, Matt Nathanson, that said, "I think the hardest work we do is unbraiding ourselves from habits that don't work for us anymore and clearing space in our lives to just enjoy the moments we're in." It's been probably three weeks since I read that, but it just keeps ringing in my mind, because that's how life has felt for the past four years or so, and then even more accelerated in the last year and some change. There have been a lot of hardships during those time frames, and I'm honestly not sure if it helped or hurt at the time.<br />
<br />
I've spent so much time since last May being hurt, accepting truths I fought off for so long and denied, and being thrown into a realisation that changed everything. At the same time, adjusting to a new life, a completely different setting, and attempting to manage a disease without proper setup. I sometimes feel I sat too long in a state of pain, but all things considered, I think a year and four months isn't so bad.<br />
<br />
I was feeling another shift right at the time I read the above quote, and things started changing, and I don't generally know what all is changing immediately, just that something is. And then I was watching Wish I Was Here (which is an incredible movie that you should watch unless you're the least bit easily offended [because you will definitely be offended]). I won't give anything away, but Aidan Bloom and his two kids have just arrived at Joshua Tree, and it's sunset, and he tells them this is where he had an epiphany when he was younger. And he said, "Sometimes in life you can get kind of stuck, and you feel like you should have changed chapters by now, but you can't." I was drawing cards, and I immediately stopped and rewound. Listened. Rewound. Paused. Thought. And I had my own epiphany. I was stuck. I should have changed chapters by now. Why couldn't I?<br />
<br />
I was living in a state of blame. I was blaming everyone, I was blaming myself. I felt sorry for myself. I felt shame. I felt anger. And I realised I was letting myself be a victim. To my more distant past, and also to the more recent situation. I was a different person, but still a victim to everything I endured and was told. I was out of that bad situation, but I was still a victim to it. And that's not me. And once I realised this, it all changed.<br />
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And then I was reading an Instagram post by @aquariusnation and this part hit me, "...there are opportunities for you to show yourself as the higher example of your wounds--and even to feel yourself noticing that maybe you aren't so wounded by what wounded you anymore. Maybe you are ready to step out of that story and embody one more honoring of your heart."<br />
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Maybe it sounds silly, but that's all so scary. I've been here for so long it seems. If you know me, you know I hate change, like truly hate it. It takes so long for me to readjust. I have to get used to an idea, talk to myself about it, think about it this way and that, and then I settle in. And when that gets changed...I can spiral. I flip flop, I negotiate, I negotiate with myself, I obsess. But this, despite the kind of fear of the change, felt amazing. Like the last pieces of a brick wall in my heart were finally dismantled by the raging waterfall. It felt joyous. I feel lighter.<br />
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And all at the same time, I have been working on all these little things. Asking myself a lot of "why's."More readily recognising the things that don't work for me anymore that used to keep me sane. Recognising that things I was once a bit afraid of, I'm really not anymore. This is the unbraiding. This is the return to myself.Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-7616334744083056102018-12-31T08:27:00.000-07:002018-12-31T08:27:44.099-07:002019Deep in Thought and My Current State<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/32622208558/in/dateposted-public/" title="DSC_7620_Original"><img alt="DSC_7620_Original" src="https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7871/32622208558_6f5cd6f86c_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><br />
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I have felt more like writing lately. I think I say that often. It feels there are words drowning and crying to get free. And it seems they are always spilling out into actual words in my thoughts at times I cannot put them down to paper. And sometimes that feels right--just putting words to what my heart feels, so I can feel them better, but it's often so sad, because I want them in ink. Or at least black and white on a screen.<br />
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But as much as I have felt like writing, I was withdrawn, and maybe that's why I feel the words coming closer to the surface. Usually when I pull back, I keep urging myself to reach out more, I force myself to open Instagram, I try to talk to people more. This time, I just let it be. I forced nothing. If it felt forced, I didn't do it. And it felt right. So maybe I've been making a mistake all along, in trying not to let myself sit in solitude for a while.<br />
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I feel out of place. In a limbo, of sorts. I feel messy. I feel my failures in everything. I'm stuck, you see. I'm stuck, and I know there is change ahead, but I'm so stuck, and I do not believe it is possible to move in the meantime, to become unstuck. This is just where I am. And sometimes, I truly believe, that is just the nature of things. It is hard, though, so hard, to feel as though you have to act like you feel something. Or to feel as though you have to suppress something that is so important. How can I say I like who I am, I feel so me, be joyful of who I am, yet also feel as though I have no right to be me, no right to love, no right to joy. As though my only option is to feel shame. And do you know what shame feels like? It eats you alive.<br />
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I have found that goals no longer serve me, and I know that is not a popular thought. I am no longer a goal-oriented person, and I question whether I ever was. I remember frequently feeling stressed by having goals, but then I also realise my life situations have not always been accommodating, so it feels like I have always struggled through goals. That continues today, and thus I gave up on them. Maybe I will try again in the future, when I find myself in different situations, with different circumstances, but for now, no goals.<br />
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For 2018, I didn't make a list of goals, and I was going to choose a word, but instead I chose to focus on healing and becoming okay. I guess that is a goal, of sorts, and I am pleased with my progress on that. I don't think everything can be healed in a year, that takes time, but I am okay with where I am on that, and I know I made it far, and I have set the foundation for continuing there. As far as being okay, I will never be completely okay all of the time. Partially, that's human, everyone faces tough struggles, and everyone will fall apart at some point. But I accept I may fall apart more, or need more when things are rough. It's kind of the nature of anxiety + bipolar disorder + depression. Or maybe it's the nature of me. Either way, that is my reality.<br />
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This coming year, I thought I wouldn't do anything. No goals, no word, no focus. But then I realised that in itself is a focus, can be put in a word--be.<br />
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There is a lot of change ahead. I realise my life has been full of a lot of change, or maybe it's been a lot of change concentrated in a small time frame. I frequently feel frustration at this, like this is why I feel so all over the place, and crazy, but in the end, I think it's been good for me. I think I have grown more, faster, and have come to realisations earlier, and I think it is because of the changes, because of the experiences. And when I let myself feel what I need to feel, and I am honest with myself, and I stop forcing anything at all, and I listen to my body, and I listen to my soul, I find the greatest peace and contentment. So through the upcoming change, and adjustments, I just want to be.Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-67503212387915625162018-11-27T11:12:00.000-07:002018-11-27T11:12:28.844-07:00Currently | 2<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/42223027201/in/album-72157693870704792/" title="000478680027"><img alt="000478680027" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/969/42223027201_ffb1f26133_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><br />
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">making</i> | ornaments I didn't finish last year, a few cards, and a scarf.<br />
<i><b>planning</b></i> | Day hiking trips now that the weather doesn't threaten to kill me!</div>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">reading</i> | <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18749.Half_of_a_Yellow_Sun?ac=1&from_search=true">Half of a Yellow Sun</a> by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - I'm almost done!</div>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">watching</i> | <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2183404/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1">Rectify</a>...such an amazing show. I may even end up rewatching it. </div>
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<b><i>quote that is really speaking to me</i></b> | It's long--see <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqrb4dUl4Ca/">here</a>. I want to write about this, but not yet.<br />
<b><i>working on</i></b> | My art. Yeah, I just draw greeting cards, but I am pushing myself to learn new things.<br />
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And just a little bit here...</div>
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I never finished National Suicide Prevention Week... I did it on Instagram. Maybe I will go back and add links to the posts I did here for the Instagram ones.</div>
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I haven't shared a lot on here as much as I did this time last year. I've wanted to. It's simply work and life and lack of time, and I can't say that will change for a while. But here is a quick currently post, a beautiful photo, and me saying I have so much to share, but it's mostly limited to <a href="http://instagram.com/thiswanderersheart">Instagram</a> right now. I do have a lot planned, a lot I want to do, but I don't have the time to do it properly, so I'd rather post it "late." So maybe one day I'll do it all, I truly want to, but now is not the time. </div>
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Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-3805056114629899272018-09-13T11:13:00.002-06:002018-09-13T11:13:51.546-06:00It Was YouNational Suicide Prevention Week<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/42849641200/in/dateposted-public/" title="IMG-9161"><img alt="IMG-9161" src="https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1879/42849641200_b8e3eaaed5_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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It was <b>you</b>. </div>
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The first time I believed <i><b>tomorrow needed me</b></i>. </div>
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That I <i>deserved</i> a tomorrow. </div>
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<b>You</b> had <i>no idea</i>. </div>
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<b>You</b> didn't know I <i>cried myself to sleep every night</i>. </div>
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<b>You</b> didn't know how badly I <i>wanted to die</i>. How I <i>wished for it</i>. <i>Dwelt on it</i>. </div>
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<b>You</b> helped me believe I had <i>worth</i>, a <i>purpose</i>, that <i>life was richer with <b>me</b> in it</i>. </div>
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And while my struggles didn't end there, your words <i>stuck with me</i> all these <i>fifteen years</i>, telling me I was a <i>beautiful gift</i> and <i><b>tomorrow needed me</b></i>.</div>
Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-91953151314159718312018-09-10T12:52:00.000-06:002018-09-10T12:58:13.480-06:00"...but people more than anything else..."National Suicide Prevention Week<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/43690832175/in/dateposted-public/" title="DSC_0219_Colour"><img alt="DSC_0219_Colour" src="https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1881/43690832175_d6932ac6dd_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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<i>“You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.”</i></div>
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<i>(Jamie Tworkowski)</i></div>
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So often I was told not to need other people. But at every step of the way, it has been people that kept me okay. That helped me in dark times. That got things going in my mind that would lead to discovering parts of myself I didn't know about, which would lead to further growth.<br />
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It's been people.<br />
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And I keep forgetting it's okay to depend on people. It's okay to need people.Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-23072634835151514522018-08-27T23:17:00.000-06:002018-08-27T23:17:31.121-06:00On Going AloneLooking back, I missed out on so many opportunities, and so many beautiful things, because I didn't think I could go alone. In my later teens I only went out if I could get my boyfriend to go (and it really wasn't his thing). And then for four years in LaGrange, Georgia I spent going nowhere. I lived four years in Colorado and only went on a handful of hiking trips waiting for someone to go with me. I can't pinpoint one specific reason it was this way, but I do know part of it was it had been impressed upon me that it wasn't safe to go anywhere alone (except the store or something). Even though I never really felt scared that I can recall, I just always thought to myself, "I can't go alone, what if something happens?" But I think the rest might have had something to do with the fact that I wasn't fully comfortable being alone with myself. I never did alone very well.<br />
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I had taken a few drives over the years, all near to home, to scout out good places to take photos, and a couple places a few miles away I had gotten out and taken photos. But the first time I actually went adventuring alone, not near home, and actually got out of my car, was when I was twenty-five years old. It was 2013, and I was living in Centennial, Colorado (I miss that place!). A work friend had told me about an area in or around Parker where you could often see bison that time of year, so on that particular weekend, I decided to just get in my car and go.<br />
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I don't remember why, but I never made it to the intended location. I just went south on Santa Fe, and I just enjoyed the sights. I listened to my music. My cameras were in the front seat beside me. I stopped and snapped a few shots of a fence, and just stood outside a while. I drove all over, having no clue where I was, and not caring. I took a bunch of different streets, I drove with the windows down, enjoying that cool, mountain air. I drove and drove and as the sun began to set, I just took whatever roads took me north, and I remember how good it felt to be alone with myself, and have the mountains at my side. I remember feeling content, joyful, clear.<br />
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But I just kept getting caught up in that feeling someone needed to be with me and I couldn't go places alone.<br />
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When I moved to north Denver, I did start taking Sandey to the dog park. It was an absolutely beautiful place, and there was a hill to the northwest that if you went all the way to the top of, it was like you were in a different place. The mountains were so close, so beautiful, and I always enjoyed the windmills that were out there. I could just sit out there, just think, just be with Sandey (hardly anyone came up there).<br />
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And then in 2015 I went to my first concert by myself. I really thought it wasn't going to be as fun alone, but Matt Nathanson was playing more intimate shows at smaller venues and was doing meet and greets, and...I just had to. I was living in Greeley by then and I drove to downtown Denver to the Larimer Lounge (one of my favourite venues, it's pure awesome). It turned out to be the most amazing time! I didn't feel at all weird or strange or out of place like I thought I would. I laughed so much, took a slew of photos (even though it's way late, maybe I should post those?), and I got to meet this man whose music has changed my life, and he is so awesome (and gives really good hugs). I enjoyed myself so much.<br />
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In 2016, I went to see Howie Day, he actually came to Greeley and played at the Moxi, so it was just right down the street, and it was incredible show. Hardly anyone was there, so I could literally walk around, go right up to the stage, whatever. I got some pretty good photos there, too, and had a great time. I also got to chat with him afterwards. When he was done playing, he just hopped off the stage to mingle. He also picked at me for being short and took a few photos of us on my phone. Again, totally amazing experience by myself. (Maybe I should post these photos, too.)<br />
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Each time, I have felt so exhilarated. There is something about doing things that you think you need a group or friend for, all alone.<br />
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When I moved back to Alabama in 2017, I knew I was going to be doing a lot of things either alone, or just me and Marion (doing things alone with your small child is a whole different thing though, and I posted a little about that here.). When I went to Colorado in March, I thought I was going to be taking a bus to RMNP and hiking alone and I was totally fine with it (but the company I had was absolutely amazing!). It feels normal now, but I think to most people (or people I know), it still isn't.<br />
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So, from an incredibly anxious and cautious and worst-case-scenario kind of person: go do something by yourself that you normally wouldn't. Whether it's hiking or a concert, or going to see a movie, or maybe you never grocery shop alone, just get out there and do it. Decide on it, prepare (especially when hiking, tell someone where you're going!), and do it. There's a difference in being alone with yourself at home, and being alone with yourself in a different setting.<br />
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<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/30447100088/in/album-72157700298387254/" title="DSC_5321_BW"><img alt="DSC_5321_BW" src="https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1844/30447100088_f167f55efa_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-46070781294475227342018-08-23T22:03:00.002-06:002018-11-27T11:12:10.622-07:00Currently | 1<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/29294606367/in/dateposted-public/" title="_DSC7927_Colour"><img alt="_DSC7927_Colour" src="https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1872/29294606367_bb5f878d36_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></i>
<i style="font-weight: bold;">listening</i> |<i> </i>the new songs for Matt Nathanson's upcoming album <a href="https://mattnathanson.com/">Sings His Sad Heart</a>...they're amazing!</div>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">making</i> | a house sweater...I hope it comes out this time!</div>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">reading</i> | <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/14497.Neverwhere?from_search=true">Neverwhere</a> by Neil Gaiman, slowly, and with delight.</div>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">watching</i> | the entire <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1586680/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1">Shameless</a> series...again...don't judge me.</div>
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<b><i>quote that is really speaking to me</i></b> | I think the hardest work we do is unbraiding ourselves from habits that don't work for us anymore and clearing space in our lives to just enjoy the moments we're in. (Matt Nathanson)</div>
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">something i am particularly enjoying right now</i> | organising my life, in so many different ways.<br />
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Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-5053502508250119212018-07-24T07:53:00.000-06:002018-07-24T07:53:47.128-06:00Film PhotographyNikon EM with Kodak BW400CNAnd two months later...here is the other roll of film I took last summer...<br />
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<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/40415997580/in/album-72157669163069788/" title="000479810001"><img alt="000479810001" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/975/40415997580_f5186e8c4a_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/41322264665/in/album-72157669163069788/" title="000479810004"><img alt="000479810004" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/977/41322264665_ba42bdb7d5_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/28350262868/in/album-72157669163069788/" title="000479810006"><img alt="000479810006" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/971/28350262868_138a8f5810_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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Shooting this fast-moving subject is a challenge at times...<br />
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I am almost certain that was Marion's arm...flailed right into frame as I took the photo. And I'm pretty sure I sighed and said, "Girl!" But I kind of like the way it looks.<br />
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I constantly kick myself for not doing more photography, and I keep saying I am, and then I never do... But then I look at stuff like this, even though this was a test roll I didn't try much on, and I wonder how I don't pursue it more, because I really love it (especially film). </center>
Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-71679086533360342282018-05-19T22:39:00.003-06:002018-05-19T22:41:03.314-06:00Film PhotographyNikon EM with Ilford HP5 PlusIt's been a month and a half since I've been here. I honestly wrote a few posts, but then decided they weren't shareable for a few reasons, so this space remained empty.<br />
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If you read my last post, my April goals, then you know I was wanting to get two rolls of film developed. Guess what? I did it!<br />
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I have a wonderful Nikon EM from 1978 that I adore with all my heart. It had a broken piece on it, and it was causing the film to not advance, so I shot three or four rolls, hoping I had resolved the issue, only to find they were blank. After further research I discovered the piece was more vital than I initially thought, and I found a video (finally!) that helped me replace the piece. And then I kicked myself repeatedly for avoiding fixing it for so long.<br />
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I shot this roll just after fixing it last summer, and then forgot to develop it (I'll post the other roll soon). The end of summer and fall got really bad for me emotionally and I didn't hardly pick my camera up at all.<br />
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It is clear I need to work on shooting with film, but what is important here is that my camera is working!<br />
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I almost didn't post all of these, because a lot of them are kind of awful, but that's okay. I captured fun moments, I experimented, and those things are important, too.</center>
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Also, I'm open to any suggestions and feedback on these photos and exposure. </center>Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-14378119559808009652018-04-01T22:29:00.000-06:002018-04-04T09:19:39.707-06:00GoalsApril 2018<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/21156027931/in/album-72157658199279355/" title="Untitled"><img alt="Untitled" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5658/21156027931_87ae4ec62c_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><br />
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It's April!<br />
<br />
Duh.<br />
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As expected, March was busy. Marion and I had an eight-day trip to Colorado at the beginning of the month, which was great, and I will eventually talk about it and share some photos. The rest of our belongings from Colorado arrived in Alabama the day before we returned, courtesy of my parents (thanks for making that drive!). Unfortunately, Marion and I got sick the day before we came back, too. So it has been a little miserable because there is so much to do, and I have felt terrible, and Marion has felt terrible, and our space is a disaster. Add to that, I've been in a bit of a depressive phase, and fighting that hard. There's been a lot since we got back. And the clutter and mess, plus being too sick to do much...it's all piled on and left me so drained and, honestly, irritable.<br />
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We are feeling much better now, thankfully, and <i>I</i> am feeling better, so life can resume kind of normally, though I expect it will still be busy and messy around here for a bit.<br />
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I turn 30 at the end of this month. And I have so many thoughts on that...I'll save those for later. But this has me wanting to set goals this month!<br />
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<b>Do my planner for the whole month.</b><br />
I don't care how simple and basic it is. I don't care if I write in all the things I normally like to track. I just want to put some things down, actually write the date in, and make some notes. I miss doing my planner, but I never seem to make the proper time for it.<br />
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<b>Complete one phase of the wall hanging. </b><br />
I am making a cool wall hanging, and I want to get one part of it done this month. Just one.<br />
>>>> <i style="font-weight: bold;">UPDATE:</i><i> I finished one part, and have two other parts almost done. So it's coming along nicely!</i><br />
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<b>Get my B&W film developed.</b><br />
I have plans to get the materials to develop my own colour film, but I have two rolls of B&W that I need to have developed. I have no idea what is on one of them, but the other was a test roll to see if my Nikon EM is operating properly. I'd really like to know so I can shoot with it and know the photos are taking!<br />
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<b>Set my camera out.</b><br />
So, the iPhone 7 Plus has a wonderful camera. In fact, pretty much all the iPhones do. But I want to do more with my DSLR. I almost, almost, got my Canon back...but no. It's just me and my Nikon D80. And we need to shoot more everyday because I just love to.<br />
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<b>Free up 5GB on my hard drive.</b><br />
I have a photo issue on my computer. <i>Some</i> of my photos are duplicated, triplicated, even quadruplicated. Which means my hard drive is so full I literally cannot put any more photos on my computer. Which has been causing problems for posting some things here, and is partially why I haven't. 5GB isn't much, but it's something, and it's doable.<br />
>>>> <i><b>UPDATE:</b> So I didn't fix any photos, but I freed up 9GB of space! At least it's enough to get some photos off my phone and camera. I'm still going to try to free up another 5GB from photos though, because it needs done </i>so<i> badly. </i><br />
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<b>Resume my exercise routine.</b><br />
Can you believe I exercised every day for three weeks? I didn't do much, but I didn't need to. Then I went to Colorado, and I was still getting exercise daily, just less structured. Then I got really sick. But I am better now, so, it's time.<br />
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<b>Empty six boxes.</b><br />
This would have me about halfway done "moving in." Let me tell you my current problem--I have so many things in temporary spots, that I can't make room for the things that need to go in those spots permanently without just mess and clutter. So I boxed up almost everything in my room that didn't have a permanent place and set it outside my room. But I need to get to emptying and organising. Like, now.<br />
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<b>Personal goals.</b><br />
I have a few things I don't want to discuss here, but will eventually. I will keep up with them and update.<br />
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I feel those are very doable goals that aren't going to stress me out, that don't feel daunting. And that makes me happy. As I complete these goals, I'll come back to this post and edit, so check back if you're interested!<br />
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I have so many thoughts swirling in my mind, so many ramblings my mind has written and rewritten, and I really feel like I want to share more, which I know I have said before. I'm hoping this the month I resume my writing, because I feel my blog is about emotions and photos, and I am okay with that. But if there is anything you'd like to see here from me, please let me know! I would love to hear and consider other things.<br />
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Here's to an awesome April!Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9036045013730793257.post-92135557153147805502018-02-28T10:07:00.000-07:002018-02-28T10:07:48.100-07:002018 Thus Far<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/christenlouisetyre/40538857111/in/dateposted-public/" title="IMG-2304"><img alt="IMG-2304" src="https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4711/40538857111_1153b5240f_o.jpg" width="678" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-size: x-small;">Cheaha Mountain, Delta, Alabama | iPhone 7+</span></div>
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Tomorrow is March 1st.<br />
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It seems too soon. It has gone by too quickly. Yet this is where we are. This is the passage of time. Often bittersweet, often feeling too fleeting, but sometimes, sometimes, oh it drags...<br />
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I wrote a little on Facebook about my absence, and then I decided to write here as well. So here I am. Writing.<br />
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I've put a lot of time and effort into getting over things. Into healing, in many ways. Into listening to myself, relearning about myself, and becoming okay with myself. In two months' time, I feel like I've done remarkably well. But during that time were lots of writings I will probably never share, and do not need to be shared, and I just didn't feel like sharing anything about any of it here. But I'm feeling drawn back, wanting to share photos, the adventures Marion and I have, and other pieces of my life, perhaps.<br />
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I've said it before here, but I feel more like myself than I have in 15 years. I meant it last time, too. I keep feeling like I'm regaining little pieces that were lost and broken, and I keep feeling like this is it, and then another piece, and a little more me I feel.<br />
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I was going to set some goals for March, but there are some things going on and some transitions to make, and I think I'm going to just ride it out like I have January and February, because not having goals has actually been pretty amazing and I haven't felt that I haven't done as much as a result. Instead, it's been more freeing. But I think I'm reaching a point I would like to start adding goals back in. Just not in March. I am hoping I can spend a little more time here, but it could prove difficult.<br />
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I have continued to update Instagram, and will continue. My main account is <a href="http://instagram.com/christendobbs">@christendobbs</a>, and I am hoping to change the name soon, because I don't like it being my name, but everything that feels right is either taken or <i>so</i> long. I also have another account that's more focused on managing my bipolar and how the healing process is going, and you can find that here <a href="http://instagram.com/cedarwoodandaventurine">@cedarwoodandaventurine</a>. I almost didn't use that name because it was so long, but I love it anyways and it fits, so maybe I'll suck it up and have a long one for my main account as well. I'd love to have you there, Instagram is my favourite platform and I love interacting there.<br />
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Goodbye, February. You've been fun.Christen Schmitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11795643576530932114noreply@blogger.com0