Life Update and Hopeful Goals

Monday, October 16, 2017

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I haven't given a lot of details of what life is like, or what dramatic changes there have been over the past five to six months. I share pieces of life, and I share pieces of feeling, but I think some things should go unsaid, and I think some things should be private. As distance adds up between certain events, I feel I can speak of them, or the current situation, a little more freely.

Last week was a lot, it was stressful, and I struggled. But I had a wonderful weekend, and I got to kind of recharge a little, and this week things don't look so bleak.

Marion and I have been adjusting to a new life since May. And that has been really hard. Change is so difficult for me, not only as a person, but also as someone with Bipolar Disorder. When my schedule, my routine, or even just what I think may happen in a day or with a situation go differently or gets disrupted, it's a huge deal. Huge. To the extent it's sometimes incredibly difficult to function at all and I want to stay inside in my room and do nothing. So in May, our schedule changed, our routine changed, the way we had to do almost everything changed. And sometimes I feel like I should have been able to get on track within a couple of months, but here I am, almost six months later, and I'm still kind of struggling with it, but it is getting better. I keep having to tell myself it's okay, it's okay, I'll get there, we'll get there, but some days it really gets to me.

This week, I accomplished my goal of completing all the housework in one day! Ideally I'd like to always do this. I used to have a pretty strict cleaning schedule, but I used to split it up across four days. Now that I'm working, I prefer getting it all done at once so that when I'm not working I can just spend time with Marion and do a little straightening up as needed. My cooking though...I need to work on that... I've gotten...lazy. As far as other routines, other things I need to be doing (like drinking enough, I'm terrible about dehydrating myself) I haven't done so well on. But I think those will come as other things start to work themselves out.

I've been working since July, but honestly, it has been a huge source of anxiety. The job was not explained to me well when I accepted, and it turned into something I had to basically be on call for all the time. I was making myself available for over 80 hours a week in an effort to get even six hours of work. Not only that, I had to continually check my schedule during those available periods, and I was constantly worrying about if something had been added and I didn't see it, or if it was added last minute and I missed the e-mail. It was just not good for me. Then, a few weeks ago, my supervisor asked if I would be interested in a set schedule! Like, yes! So for a few weeks I've had a fairly assured amount of hours, with set times, and it has helped so much!

We have a fairly regular grocery day routine and I'm coming to really love it and depend on it. I tried to add in a playground, too, but it got to be too much. By the time we did a couple of errands and played for an hour or two, Marion was tired and it was close to nap time and grocery shopping felt like too much for me, and definitely for her. So the past couple of weeks I got rid of that and it's been so much better.

One thing I need to put more effort into is getting somewhere to walk and run. The nearest place I've found that is suitable for the stroller is just under ten miles away. I know, it's not much, but considering I have to put Marion in a carseat, get her out and put her in a stroller, and then she gets out and goes back into the carseat... You can see how that isn't entirely fun for a two year old. I really think if I do it enough she will get used to it and it won't be so bad, and she might even get to the point where she'll sleep the whole time again. I can't see how I can manage this more than about twice a week, but it's better than not at all, right? It's just another challenge, another thing I can figure out.

I'm going to go off on a tangent a bit here...

Getting into the mountains, getting out in nature, exploring places...it's one of the things that helps keep me centered (I'm mostly referring to this in a Bipolar sense, but it applies otherwise as well). I was never able to go super regularly when I was in Colorado, for various reasons, but there were so many places close by, it was an option. It has now been over six months since I have been anywhere out except the backyard...and I don't like how that feels. It's like a really important part of me has gone dormant, or maybe even died, and I feel trapped, or caged, and like my spirit is...tied down. So I have decided that Marion and I are going to go an adventure once a month. I'll research, I'll find places that look toddler-friendly, I'm trying to come up with some ideas of activities we can do during the hike, or at the final destination. I'm trying to come up with strategies for making the car ride bearable. I thought for a while I would just wait till she was older, because hiking is miserable for her if she has to ride in a carseat there, go in the carrier for the hike, and maybe not have the opportunity to get out, because it may not be safe for a toddler, or there may not be sufficient space to let her play in for a while, a plethora of things. But I was talking to a friend about it, and she encouraged me to go for it, to get out, to get Marion out, and thinks it will be a wonderful bonding time for us. I also stumbled upon Morgan Brechler's Instagram account, and it was encouraging. So we're going to go for it. I've talked to her about it a little and she says she wants to go to a waterfall and collect sticks and take photos. Sounds perfect to me!

So there is life lately. A picture of adjusting, desperately trying to make home, and a few hopes for the immediate future. We'll see how things go!

16 comments:

  1. I love the goal to go on an adventure each month. Growth comes from doing new things—i connstantly have to remind myself of that. This is the perfect way to do it.

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  2. That is a lot to deal with, but your outlook seems positive, which will get you through! No matter whatever I go through I have to remind myself one thing; time. Time will give me experience, get into a routine, or heal old wounds. Sometimes in moments like these try not to get down, just remind yourself it will take time. :)

    http://abeautifulheart07.blogspot.com/2017/10/coffee-talk-transitions.html

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    1. Yes! But isn't that so hard sometimes? I'm not even an instant gratification person, but sometimes it's just hard and you need it to be done!

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  3. Change is super hard, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be with being Bi-Polar. I hope that you are able to keep making these glorious steps forward and that you DO take time for yourself to unwind and regenerate after stressful weeks!
    ALSO I love that monthly adventure goal, I think that will help you to feel more grounded. <3

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    1. I've been diagnosed for ten years, and honestly I am in a really good place there, but currently struggling with accepting the extra difficulties I may have as a result, without feeling it is a disability.

      Taking time for myself is so important, but is so difficult. I think monthly adventures are going to be great for me and for my daughter.

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  4. I definitely understand how rejuvenating and centering the act of walking around in nature can be! Luckily, the Blue Ridge Mountains surround my college campus, so whenever I feel stressed or need a break, I take in the view of the mountains (especially during sunset!) and always feel a little bit more at peace. Have fun on your future adventures!

    www.madisontaylor.co

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    1. That sounds lovely and I miss the Rockies being so close! Those mountains are like home to me, even though I grew up here in Alabama. There's so much I haven't explored here, so I'm excited to get out and see it.

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  5. I always struggle between 'letting my creative side lead" and a schedule for housework, etc. Honestly, I should probably do more scheduling; I would probably get more done! Because even though the seem restrictive, I AM usually more productive!

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    1. Scheduling makes things happen for me! Sometimes you need structure to be creative!

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  6. I read every time you say "I know, it isn't a lot," when talking about getting up the energy to take your toddler somewhere, and let me tell you: maybe it's not a lot to some people, but it's still enough. As someone who doesn't struggle with bi-polar disorder, I can still be a complete homebody with my kids often because - in reality - it's a struggle and a drain on energy just to go to the store. So adding on bi-polar? Yeah, I can only imagine how tough that is. I like your challenges to yourself, and I definitely encourage getting out and hiking. Even if it is tough on your kiddo, it gives you life. And I think it will be fun for her, too (at least a good growing experience!).

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    1. I work really hard to recognise the extra challenges I have with Bipolar, without letting it affect how I feel about myself, or without it letting me feel like I have a disability, though it can be crippling at times.

      I'm a homebody as well, and I'm often content to stay at home, but with our living situation, getting out is becoming very important!

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  7. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here! <3 I love your idea of going on an adventure every month! I think I need to add that goal into my life! <3

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    1. I know it isn't for everyone, but it helps me immensely!

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  8. Girl. I am rejoicing with you about the set schedule for work - that really does make a huge difference! and yes, even just a walk around the block can be good for the soul!

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    1. It does! I'm still working lots of other shifts, but I'm getting to choose which ones I work outside my set schedule. It's so much better!

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