Marion at Two and a Half
Part Three

Monday, October 23, 2017

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Finally.

I keep working on this post, and then having issues with the photos loading (my internet really sucks sometimes), and then I get frustrated and proclaim I'll work on it later, and then it's a while before I do again. But here we are, the last of Marion's two and a half year photo shoot.
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I took her to Old Opelika, with my best friend along for assistance if needed, in hopes of getting some pretty brick backdrops, maybe on the brick road, or with some of the pretty iron banisters. Instead, I noticed the old train depot, and seeing as how literally no one was there, I thought we'd try that first.
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This is the face she makes when Uncle Jerrold is standing on the railroad tracks singing opera very loudly.

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I let her play on the train for a little while, and then decided we would just walk around the depot and take more photos instead of getting back in the car to go to another spot, or taking a long walk. It was pretty hot out. I also try not to put her through too much when I take photos, which is partially why I split this one up. Because after about a half hour of photos, she's done (understandably).
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My focus was a little weird on these, but I like them anyways.

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I think I take too many photos of her hair, or with me behind her, but I really love them, and I'm not sure. They're also very easy to get and easy to get in focus, because she is not looking into the camera, but looking out at things and not distracted by me. Maybe that's what I like, catching that moment of stillness while she takes something in.
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Action shot.
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There are a few more here that I didn't include, and I have even more I didn't upload. I always overtake by a lot... Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

We have four months till her year three shoot...WHAT? It's inconceivable that she'll be three soon... I can't even think about it. I have plans for some fall/winter photos before that, because she is my favourite subject, but I'm not sure when. I'll photograph other people eventually...one day...maybe.

Life Update and Hopeful Goals

Monday, October 16, 2017

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I haven't given a lot of details of what life is like, or what dramatic changes there have been over the past five to six months. I share pieces of life, and I share pieces of feeling, but I think some things should go unsaid, and I think some things should be private. As distance adds up between certain events, I feel I can speak of them, or the current situation, a little more freely.

Last week was a lot, it was stressful, and I struggled. But I had a wonderful weekend, and I got to kind of recharge a little, and this week things don't look so bleak.

Marion and I have been adjusting to a new life since May. And that has been really hard. Change is so difficult for me, not only as a person, but also as someone with Bipolar Disorder. When my schedule, my routine, or even just what I think may happen in a day or with a situation go differently or gets disrupted, it's a huge deal. Huge. To the extent it's sometimes incredibly difficult to function at all and I want to stay inside in my room and do nothing. So in May, our schedule changed, our routine changed, the way we had to do almost everything changed. And sometimes I feel like I should have been able to get on track within a couple of months, but here I am, almost six months later, and I'm still kind of struggling with it, but it is getting better. I keep having to tell myself it's okay, it's okay, I'll get there, we'll get there, but some days it really gets to me.

This week, I accomplished my goal of completing all the housework in one day! Ideally I'd like to always do this. I used to have a pretty strict cleaning schedule, but I used to split it up across four days. Now that I'm working, I prefer getting it all done at once so that when I'm not working I can just spend time with Marion and do a little straightening up as needed. My cooking though...I need to work on that... I've gotten...lazy. As far as other routines, other things I need to be doing (like drinking enough, I'm terrible about dehydrating myself) I haven't done so well on. But I think those will come as other things start to work themselves out.

I've been working since July, but honestly, it has been a huge source of anxiety. The job was not explained to me well when I accepted, and it turned into something I had to basically be on call for all the time. I was making myself available for over 80 hours a week in an effort to get even six hours of work. Not only that, I had to continually check my schedule during those available periods, and I was constantly worrying about if something had been added and I didn't see it, or if it was added last minute and I missed the e-mail. It was just not good for me. Then, a few weeks ago, my supervisor asked if I would be interested in a set schedule! Like, yes! So for a few weeks I've had a fairly assured amount of hours, with set times, and it has helped so much!

We have a fairly regular grocery day routine and I'm coming to really love it and depend on it. I tried to add in a playground, too, but it got to be too much. By the time we did a couple of errands and played for an hour or two, Marion was tired and it was close to nap time and grocery shopping felt like too much for me, and definitely for her. So the past couple of weeks I got rid of that and it's been so much better.

One thing I need to put more effort into is getting somewhere to walk and run. The nearest place I've found that is suitable for the stroller is just under ten miles away. I know, it's not much, but considering I have to put Marion in a carseat, get her out and put her in a stroller, and then she gets out and goes back into the carseat... You can see how that isn't entirely fun for a two year old. I really think if I do it enough she will get used to it and it won't be so bad, and she might even get to the point where she'll sleep the whole time again. I can't see how I can manage this more than about twice a week, but it's better than not at all, right? It's just another challenge, another thing I can figure out.

I'm going to go off on a tangent a bit here...

Getting into the mountains, getting out in nature, exploring places...it's one of the things that helps keep me centered (I'm mostly referring to this in a Bipolar sense, but it applies otherwise as well). I was never able to go super regularly when I was in Colorado, for various reasons, but there were so many places close by, it was an option. It has now been over six months since I have been anywhere out except the backyard...and I don't like how that feels. It's like a really important part of me has gone dormant, or maybe even died, and I feel trapped, or caged, and like my spirit is...tied down. So I have decided that Marion and I are going to go an adventure once a month. I'll research, I'll find places that look toddler-friendly, I'm trying to come up with some ideas of activities we can do during the hike, or at the final destination. I'm trying to come up with strategies for making the car ride bearable. I thought for a while I would just wait till she was older, because hiking is miserable for her if she has to ride in a carseat there, go in the carrier for the hike, and maybe not have the opportunity to get out, because it may not be safe for a toddler, or there may not be sufficient space to let her play in for a while, a plethora of things. But I was talking to a friend about it, and she encouraged me to go for it, to get out, to get Marion out, and thinks it will be a wonderful bonding time for us. I also stumbled upon Morgan Brechler's Instagram account, and it was encouraging. So we're going to go for it. I've talked to her about it a little and she says she wants to go to a waterfall and collect sticks and take photos. Sounds perfect to me!

So there is life lately. A picture of adjusting, desperately trying to make home, and a few hopes for the immediate future. We'll see how things go!

Colorado Sunsets and Wildflowers and Thoughts On Home

Thursday, October 5, 2017

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In September we travelled to Colorado for Marion to visit with her dad. It was a shorter trip than expected because of logistics and finances, but at least he got to spend a few days with her. In the future, hopefully we can plan the trips a little better and things will go a bit smoother.

I had a lot to do, so exploring wasn't on the agenda, but one of the days I saw sunset approaching and I decided to grab my Nikon and walk to the little lake just down the road and get a glimpse of the always beautiful sunsets I used to watch almost daily. Of course, it didn't disappoint, though I did end up taking more photos of the flowers than the sunset. But how beautiful is that in the background? I personally think it's more beautiful like this than with the sunset in focus.

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Leaving Colorado has been incredibly difficult for me. I remember after being in Denver for about a year I was talking to my best friend and telling him that Denver didn't feel like home. I loved the mountains, I loved a lot of the aspects, but it didn't feel like me, I didn't feel like I fit, and I kind of wanted to move on to somewhere new. A few years later and it feels more like home than Alabama ever did, and it felt like a piece of my heart was ripped out leaving. There were positives and negatives to staying in Colorado or returning to Alabama, and despite how my heart longs to be in that beautiful state, I also know I made the best overall decision. That doesn't mean it's easy, and I think it will always feel like home there.

I'll be back at least once a year, possibly twice, so I'm trying to take comfort in that, and hoping that eventually I can make these trips longer and Marion and I can go have adventures.