Goals
December 2017

Monday, December 4, 2017

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I've been really trying to give myself space and not be hard on myself about some things. I mentioned a few goals back in July, and I wanted to talk about those and a few others things I want to start doing.

I'm still working on the whole "all the cleaning in one day" thing. It is not yet successful for multiple reasons. I'll keep trying!

I haven't gotten anywhere to run, but my dad cleaned up the trails, and that opens some possibility. Part of the trails is definitely manageable with the stroller, and Marion loves it. It requires a lot of laps, but that's okay. Timing is an issue though and I can't always work it out around work and nap time, so I've largely given up on this for now. Instead, I've decided to focus on some indoor exercise. I haven't done the six days a week I've been trying to do, but four days a week really isn't bad. So I'm going to try to keep that up, and I'll add in some trails when I'm able.

We have had three whole adventures since my last post. We had a solo trip to Toccoa Falls in October, which I wrote about here, and we went to Talladega National Forest and Cheaha State Park with the family in November, and then we went to Spectre, or Jackson Lake Island, with my best friend, also in November (I'll post photos of those soon, I just haven't had time to go through them completely). I also have a trip planned for one day this week, which will be a solo trip. I enjoy going places with family and friends, but I think it's important for us to go just the two of us sometimes, too. I hope to get in a good balance of those.

I've been a little on the solitary side, even though I have family here and a couple of friends nearby. I think I was so depressed that being around people was a little too much. I am doing better now though, and I want to add in spending time with people more. I just took that day trip last weekend, which was ridiculously fun, and spent an evening at my sister's house last week, so I guess I'm already kind of working on that.

I had high hopes of doing photography for work over the summer, but then it didn't really pan out, so I just set it aside. But every time I get my camera out, I think about it again... So I'm revisiting this idea, but in a slightly different way, because I'll be bringing Marion along. So I want to, again, start building a bit of a portfolio and then figuring out how to find people. I'm admittedly kind of terrible at networking...and I don't really know a ton of people. So I need to work on that a little.

We'll be going to Denver in March for Marion to visit with her dad, and despite the circumstances, I'm so happy I'll be in Colorado again. I'm wanting to do some hikes, but I'm not sure yet how to accomplish this. So I need to start planning now so I can enjoy it, and maybe have a day or two to myself in the snow and in the mountains. I'm so excited I'm about to cry right now.

Mostly, for December, I want to enjoy Christmas. Marion was so fun with it last year (I think we literally survived the month on hot chocolate and marshmallows), and this year has been even moreso. And after the year we've had...we need this. So, all the Christmas cartoons, all the Christmas music, lights everywhere, every Christmas book I can find, hot chocolate like crazy, all the crafts, all the baking, and can we go to the merry-go-round every single day?

December is also where I usually start thinking about the next year. I don't make resolutions, per se, it's a more of what I want the year to look like. I don't even remember what I wrote last year, honestly. So much has happened. It's hard not to think back and get upset and want to curl into a ball for a while, or question everything. While the change has been hard, and sometimes it's hard to see, we're better now. And I want so badly to make 2018 the best year yet for us.

Who You Are

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

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I think this is something most people, if not all, think about at times. So often I have wondered who I am, what I'm doing, what I want. Most of the time my answer was "I don't know" and the rest of the time I made something up and tried to convince myself it was true. Sometimes it was easier to believe a lie than to keep not knowing and keep searching, and sometimes I thought maybe I knew and just didn't like the answer and felt lost in how to change it. Could I even change it? I also thought I was supposed to have figured it all out between the ages of 18 and 20 or so, but the truth is I have struggled with this through a lot of my life, and my teenage years were much worse, and my early twenties were perhaps even worse than my teenage years.

I'm going to skip ahead to where things first seemed to be getting to where I am now (although really my whole life has). I found out I was pregnant with Marion when I was 26. For the first seven or eight months I felt even more lost than before, and a whole host of other feelings that led me to feeling that way, or intensified the feeling. In the last month or so, I felt a shift, and when Marion was born, things really started to change for me. I've always felt like that "mother's intuition" kicked in. I had long been told to "go with my gut," but I was so untrusting of myself that I never really did. In fact, a lot of the time I did the exact opposite. But now...this tiny life that had invaded and stolen my heart and completed part of my soul depended on it. How she survived, who she became, our relationship depended on it, and I started trusting it. And let me tell you, I met opposition everywhere. I was heavily disagreed with and in a lot of instances I had to fight to do what I knew was right. I often felt (and still do at times) a little stupid. I have no experience with kids, how can I know this is right? But I just know.

A little into my 28th year, I started feeling another shift. And I think a lot of things over the past two years had been leading to this, and now I can look back and see how I was making steps towards this, though at the time it was not apparent. Instead of just trusting I knew what was right for Marion, I started trusting I knew what was right for me, too. I stopped doubting everything I thought. I stopped lying to myself. That came with a lot of realisations that were hard and frightening.

With 29 came a ridiculous amount of change, and many more realisations that are hard and frightening. The past seven months has been filled with changing everything, loss, dealing with a past sexual abuse situation, dealing with and healing from other abuse, managing my bipolar on my own to a different degree, and trying to figure simply how to live. So much changed so fast, so much hit me all at once, most of the time it was too much to handle, and I wish I could have dealt with it little by little, and I really wish things could have at least stopped so I could deal with it, but some things in life are beyond our control, and sometimes that's hard to swallow, too.

Before I go on, I want to be clear. I can say with surety I do not feel the things I am about to say as a result of a manic phase. I know myself well enough to know when I'm manic and when I'm...me (and really, I can pull myself down from mania really quickly). But I also know myself and the bipolar cycles well enough to know I'm going to be depressed again, and I may not feel the way I feel now anymore. But I know I will be back here. I have accepted this is my life, I will cycle, but it is a cycle, and the good will come back around, and when it does, you take advantage of it, you enjoy it, you create a reminder for yourself, and then eventually when things are bad, you have so many reminders of when they were good, and then you know you'll be there again. You know it won't always be bad.

I woke up better and better Thursday, then Friday. And I felt the tingle of something special, I kind of felt something, but was unsure (even though my late Friday/early Saturday Instagram post mentions something of this). Then Saturday morning I woke up and knew. (This is how I do things, I wake up and suddenly from the moment my eyes open I am better.) I knew who I was. I knew exactly what I wanted. I felt capable of attaining it. I didn't see limits, I saw possibilities. I didn't see that the time it would take was too much, I just saw that I could do it. I felt worthy of it. I felt confident. I felt, in that moment, I had never known myself so well.

I ended up spending that day with my best friend (we'd had these plans for over a month), and I laughed more than I had in a while (even though Marion was a bit on the moody and not-listening side). I felt so...me. And it was the most incredible feeling, and it felt so alien, yet so familiar. And I feel like at 29, I finally know myself. Maybe that's naive, or maybe it's premature to say, but that's exactly how I feel, and as I mentioned before, I need these reminders so that when I'm unsure, I can remember when I knew, and maybe I can get right back on track.

I don't usually ask questions of my readers at the end, but I will today. When was it that you finally felt like you (if yet)? Like you knew who you were? Did you write about it? Leave me a link, because I'd love to read others' experiences!

Journal Prompts for Deeper Self-Knowledge
#1

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

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As work was very slow at 4:00am and I was really wishing I could just go to sleep, I decided to browse Pinterest, so I wouldn't go to sleep, and I saw this list titled "22 Journal Prompts for Deeper Self-Knowledge." I looked at the prompts, just curious, and they looked kind of fun. So I've decided to do them, and to post them here. I highly doubt I will do them daily, but hopefully it'll be a fun little series.

SOMETHING I THOUGHT ABOUT A LOT AS A CHILD WAS...

I'll be honest, a lot of my childhood is very foggy. I have a terrible memory unless I'm reminded of something, but then I can usually remember, often in pretty good detail. But my childhood...that one remains a little obscure, so I found this prompt rather difficult and I decided to go with the first thing I thought of from my childhood.

Stories.

I was always making up stories (well, as much as I can remember, anyways), and writing, and typing on my mum's typewriter (I still adore typewriters).

I remember having my dad make me a book cover once, it was just cardboard, but I wanted it a specific size. I don't remember what story this was for, but I feel like it was something about a dog. Sounds like kid me.

I had a series of space stories, one about Saturn, one about Uranus, and one about Pluto. I still have them, and I guess I could get them out to give details, but that would be a lot of trouble and I doubt anyone is dying to read the stories of an eight year old (I think I was eight). I can't even remember the main character's name, but it was a female character who took her dog to space with her, and I remember calling the locals "Saturanians."

Before that, I remember a quite elaborate one titled "The Slobber Monster." It was based off my brother, who was born when I was seven, and slobbered a lot. I remember my story being about slobber being an actual monster, and the only specific thing I remember is a scene where the main character is taking a bath and suddenly the water turns to slobber, because the Slobber Monster had gotten into the pipes somehow. Oh my, did she survive? We may never know.

A little later I had story called "The Haunted Woods of Owensmouth, Georgia" and I don't remember anything about it. All I can say is I was watching too much Freakylinks at the time. Does anyone else remember that show?

This writing thing lasted into my teenage years, but diminished as life happened near the end of High School. I still enjoy it, but I haven't been able to make it fit right into my life again. The desire is still there, and who knows, I may resume one day.

As Winter Approaches

Sunday, November 19, 2017

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Fall used to be my favourite season. I loved the colors, I loved the weather change, I loved that feel in the air as everything shifted, and I loved the falling leaves. I still do, but in the past few years I've really become a winter person. Maybe it was the short Colorado fall, or maybe it was my love of the snow that pushed me there, but back in Alabama, as I enjoyed fall, I really kept longing for winter. Fall still has a good a month to go, but the transition is beginning and amidst everything going on in my life, in my head, in my heart, I'm feeling this transition, and it's feeling like a little bit of relief.

One thing I dislike about my work schedule is that I'm working from about the time Marion wakes up in the morning until her nap time. And by the time she wakes up from nap, its time to make dinner, and go through our whole evening routine, and before I know it, it's bed time! We can do plenty of things inside while I'm working, but we've had little outside time, and I think both of us is feeling that a little. We remedied that yesterday, and wow was it a wonderful day. It definitely could have been cooler, but it was breezy, overcast, and on the verge of raining.

I enjoyed getting out my camera and shooting some photos of Marion and the leaves and such. I love capturing things like this, the little every day things, catching her doing things. I like to try to capture her emotion, and to capture my emotion, though who knows if I'm successful. I can feel it, so that's enough for me. I couldn't decide which photos to post...so here is almost all of them, haha!

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There was running, laughing, wagon rides, more wagon rides... Just so much fun.
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She has been dying to get Sandie in the wagon with her! Sandie wasn't really feeling it so it didn't last long, but Marion enjoyed it anyways. Maybe another day she'll ride with her.
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She always has to play in the water...always.

I'm looking forward to more days outside, even when it's colder, as work slows during the holidays!